Who Am I Becoming ?

Feb 9, 2018

To the newly christian married woman, if you are anything like me. You’re probably trying to figure it out all over again. You spent your single days waiting. Waiting on the man God had for you, while at the same time waiting on the Lord. Those days, often seemed dragged out. The idols of your heart were plenty. However, those days also taught you that God’s best was not in the man you fantasized about (tall, dark , handsome, blonde hair, blue eyes) I think you get my gist. Nevertheless, his best was in fact Himself. So where do you stand now? How do you cope with the changes? Will anyone really understand you? Will they understand the woman who wrestles her own reflection?

In the bliss of your union you knew in your heart that more than ever you wanted to marry the love your life. But, I’m sure you didn’t realize that it would come with you relearning yourself again in this season. I’m sure some days are lonely, not because no one gets it, but because there’s pressure to hold your household together and to hold yourself together too. The battle between self realization and reality is one which you stand in between the gaps trying to stitch up your flaws in place of God. Should I question God’s hand? I mean wouldn’t it be blasphemy? I would probably have bunch of people waving their fists at me. Cursing me back to dust because of my temporary radical rebellion.

My thoughts are in a bit of a mumbo jumbo. The more things that happen in my life the harder it is to grab hold of who I am. So much has happened and although my life simultaneously bleeds out life’s joy. I’ve been struggling in my womanhood. I want to do more, and create more. The more I draw near towards the gap, the farther away I am from myself. The things I love to do don’t excite me. I’m more focused on the chaos of making my house a home. Whipping up the best vegetarian meals for husband, while trying to find new methods of self care. Being a good friend. Finding passion in my creativity and sneaking in cuddles with my hard working husband on daily basis. Yet, nothing rattles my heart more than trying to understand who I am now. Has my identity changed? Am I more of woman now that I have a husband? Or can I be self reliant and still be married to a man who we swore before family friends we would depend on each other? How do I embrace this union and still keep my identity. The hiccups of life has my thoughts wrapped up in fear. Is my womanhood being tested? Or should I sit in silence and take life's blows to the head? See I don’t want to conform to categories, could it be that I’m being defiant? Or is God transitioning me into a period of discomfort that will lead me to become fully dependent on Him?

My life has changed drastically and praise God for it, but the fears that attaches itself to my blessings are from past traumas of things not working out. Needless to say, between all the long winded thoughts, the dragged out process of writing a book and becoming a wife the voice inside still trembles to hold on.  I feel like I’m stuck in between. My lukewarm heart shatters to press towards the cold truth, God’s reaffirming word. How can I be a voice to the lost when I myself feel lost sometimes?

Yet, these things are nothing new to God. He watches me. Gives me the breath to breathe. He holds my life in His hands and when I feel like my life is thinning out, or my reality is becoming slowly blurred by my anxious heart. This I know, Your eyes say my unformed substance; in your books were written, everyone or them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. | Psalms 139:16|

These days are exactly where God wants me. In midst of the fog. He steers clear my heart towards his holy throne. These are the days where drawing closer to God is more than necessary. These are the days where I don’t have to hide or mask who I am. That behind this body is a woman of strength, grace and resilience.

I’m sure future milestones may come with its perils or there may be seasons where I might find myself once again questioning my abilities. But in the light of it all, I plead with you and say, “hey newly christian married women it’s going to be okay, in actuality you are growing and learning and becoming what you already are”. Relax the pen is in God’s hands.  

Sincerely the woman becoming!

UPDATE!!!!!! So much has happened in my life since the last time I wrote a blog post. If you are following me on any of my social media platforms then you'd probably know that I'm releasing my first book!!!!!!!. It has been a challenging yet rewarding experience and I'm so excited for you guys to read the book. The release date is looking like OCTOBER 2018 so keep an eye out because I will be sharing more with you about the book.

- N

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