Well....Are YouThirsty?

Jul 26, 2017


I'm convinced that nothing propelled my heart like the day I met the man who aired out all my dirty laundry. He looked like he had just traveled a long distance. Our interaction was brief, however the words from his lips flowed like sweet honey. He was tender yet assertive, immediately when I saw him I knew he was an outsider. I was a bit hesitant to approach Him. I didn't want anyone to think I was creeping around the corners with another man. So I approached Him with caution, He turned and looked at me instantly, and said "Give Me a Drink" | John 4:7|, I was quite confused because He came to the well with nothing to draw the water with. It seemed strange to me while oddly at the same time it stroked my curiosity. He spoke in parables and in the gist of our conversation He said," If you only knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me, and I would give you living water." | John 4:10|"

"Living water, where do I get that from?"
I said to him desperately, my mind was so deeply perplexed by his response, but he seemed to have the answer to my question. 


He went on about how the living water would never make me thirst again. I couldn't lie, I just stood there eager to know exactly what He meant by that.  An endless supply of water ? That didn't sound too bad. 

'' Go, call your husband" | John 4:7|, he responded.
My husband ? I thought to myself , what did that have to do with water ?

His words started to cut me deeper than I expected, and it suddenly got me thinking about my life.

 Truth is:

I only came out during specific hours of the day where I wouldn’t have to encounter those who knew my dirty little secrets. I battled things I feared to confront so I pretended to be fine with my current circumstances, when in reality I was slowly dying inside. I carried bags of dried bones that lugged behind me. In hopes that one day I would encounter a heavy wind that would rattled the bones back to lifeIt was evident to all, that the weight of the bagged bones were too heavy for me to bear. The proof was that the rope like fibers bruised my back and left deep scars.

The  heavy load steered my heart into a violent panic. Where I would be in different stages of grief while--calculating all my major insecurities at the same time. I would hear the people talking, the words from their lips were ice cold, building up my shame. I was mocked and manipulated to believe that my worth was frail and lifeless. 

Yes it was true I had FIVE husbands, and I was living with a man now who also not matrimonially committed to me. I had DEMONS, which led me into the arms of  men who had betrayed me. The hurt and disrespect from their actions crippled me, so when things got hard I found myself laying up under someone else or running to find myself comfort in other ways. It had become apparent that my sins were leaving footprints all over town and everyone somehow knew my business.



This resulted in me planning my days out. I couldn’t confidently face the truth. I was convinced that I had developed a bit of anxiety just being around people. Their taunting presence gave me the ability to clearly hear the abnormal rhythm of my heart beat. It was calloused and wrapped in flesh with an appetite for unhealthy affection. The chambers were stained with imprints of dirt which were not easy to clean off, because it had built up residue from the ashes I was made of. The signs of my struggles were evident, it broke out like an epidemic flowing through my blood streams latching onto every vulnerable part of me. It fed me and fattened me up with temporary pride, however at the same time sucking all the energy out of me-- leaving me empty and misused.

" I have no husband", I responded silently.
" You are right!, You don't have a husband-- for you have had five husbands, and you aren't even married to the man you are living with now." | John 4:17-18|  

In awe I thought to myself, could this man be a prophet? How did he know about all my husbands.

I was ashamed of the things I had done. I couldn't find the courage to look Him in the eye, I had lost my identity in the face of adversity in parched places. However, His words sprang like a well inside me. The chaos in my life was silenced by his presence, I barely knew anything about this Man but in our short interaction he knew everything about me. My darkness was brought to light and everything concealed was revealed in Him. He offered what no one could give me; a heart that could worship God in truth and never thirst again. Furthermore, in spite of my heavy past he drew me out of the well when I was thirsty for other things.       


This Samaritan women had been searching for something. However, after five husband she still couldn't find what she was looking for. So what did she do? She looked again and still ended up in the same situation. I grew up with a lot of insecurities as a child which taunted me and destroyed my self esteem. I numbed my pain with temporary satisfactions. So I ran into the arms of others who I thought could help me deal with my internal issues. I down played the truth and resisted the reality to quench my affections. My scars deepened and I found myself in the same miserable place.
                                              
There a popular quote by Albert Einstein that says, " Insanity, is doing the same thing over and over again and getting the same results". Certainly, this woman wasn't insane but she was broken and looking to be filled in the arms of men. Many of us may not be in the exact situation but some of us are. We’re emotionally abused by those who claim to love us. Nonetheless, every time we encounter their presence we’re left emptier than ever. We allow temporary satisfaction, people or things to keep us in bondage. Whether we want to accept it or not, the truth is, if we keep turning to these idols for comfort they will end up being failed gods-- useless and powerless. However, there is hope in knowing that, Jesus has the power to draw our heart towards him even in sticky situations. 

That means, He is more than able to sustain us with an overflow of love, joy and peace in which no human or thing can give. So be intentional about your pursuit with Christ and if you haven't met him yet he's at the well waiting to quench our thirsty souls.


"When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst, I the LORD will answer them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them. | Isaiah 41:17|

for the sake of love,


* You can find the story in John 4:1-42. Note the Samartian woman's part is not in the bible. I found a way to use her encounter with Jesus to connect my readers to the issues we face on a daily basis*                              

He Asked Me To Marry Him, But...

May 18, 2017

To whom it may concern,

As a little girl I envisioned the day I would get married. I mapped out the experience down to the finest detail. The intense joy I would feel  from saying yes to the dress and to the man of my dreams. Cheers of excitement, my mother fighting back her tears as she reached out to embrace me in the moment. My heart bursting with joy--unguarded and untamed, my palms sweating with all nervousness. Mumbling under my breath a song of gladness “ In his time he makes all things beautiful | Ecclesiastes 3:11. I was finally getting married to the man whom my soul loved. The day would be magical, decor to the finest detail, exceptional food, centrepieces overflowing with flowers, loads of entertainment you name it… your girl had it aligned to the ‘t’. I knew when it happened, I would do it once and only once. However, I never gave much thought to engagement period, although the thought crossed my mind. Nothing propelled me more than what I wanted to happen on my wedding day.

Yet,

The past few weeks of my life have been a nightmare. I got engaged on my twenty-fifth birthday and with exuding shouts of joy, I said YES ! Having all the most important people in my life was a glorious experience, a moment I can't even form into words. My body instantly went into shock. However weeks after the hype came the reality of two flawed hearts neck and neck at each other. Cultural customs, financial restraints, and my desires--incapable of distinguishing truth. The memoirs of my child-like self was struggling to see the lines of compromise. Every time I tried to walk towards the gap of reconciliation my heart became torn with the desires that I envisioned as a young girl.

The painstaking truth was It was becoming hard to distinguish; between what I wanted and what was actually important. Ultimately, I knew the answer was my marriage, however, my fantasies were unwinding and expressing something else. I had to unlearn and it was hard.

See our hearts are a reflection of our inner-self, thoughts, feelings and desires. However, there are dangers that can arise from the heart if it’s not taken care of. The concerning reality is that most of us are not actively working on our hearts. I was naive to think that when I got into this relationship I was a complete package.

I realized that when I became a Christian I needed to make a continuous choice and give up my old ways of thinking. I laid in bed for days battling the thought of letting some of these desires go. My mind racing I knew this was a life and death process. I knew I had to choose life and live in God’s fullness and die to what I was used to. I had to remind myself  that although an idea of having a beautiful wedding was exciting, God’s intent for me was a lifelong commitment with my partner |Ephesians 5:31| which would ultimately reflect our relationship with Christ. I had to renew my heart and align it to truth. The unfathomable reality was God was bringing two sinful people together for his glory. This required both of us to see outside of ourselves and our desires. And although in this engagement season we haven’t perfectly shown the 1 Corinthians 13 type of love, I knew the challenges we were facing as a couple was God’s way of exposing the areas of our hearts that needed to be renewed.

The struggle is real I’m still learning. Ladies from me to you, don’t succumb to the hype of the seeds planted in infancy. To my singles who are waiting: enjoy the season you are in, focus on laying your heart in the potter's hands allowing him to shape you. Building character is hard, but it is necessary. It will expose the dark crevices of your soul and shape you to be the image of his son Jesus Christ. Remember our hearts are fragile and deceitful; if we don’t guard it can lead to our very own destruction.

Sincerely,

A flawed heart.
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9
for the sake of love,

Apr 22, 2017


Lies of Panic

Apr 20, 2017


New
you make all things new.

still.
my bones cage in my existence.
Be still. I whisper, be still.

I hide myself behind emotional concrete walls. I've taught myself to equate God's goodness with how to live, what I should do, and how I should do it. I've exchanged my dignity to legalistic ways of love.
It's left me empty and misinformed of truth. However, His unaltered truth remains. He remains. Yet, at times I remain down.

I've attributed Your being to human qualities. I say I've laid your word across my heart only to
access it occasionally.

When the storms of frustration hits. When my mind jumps ahead of me 100km/h. When worry seems to rip my heart apart. When prayer is the sound of weeping than praise. I lay my splintered cross at your feet, I try to deny myself (Matthew 16:24), and allow the truth to penetrate the lies of panic.

I've lived my life through shattered hearts that struggle to live their own truth. I've envied their plastered quotes and the repetitive chatter of rules that worked for them.

I've imprisoned my being, comparing my identity to those who my father used to compare my younger self to. A distant memory that often lingers.
That breaks parts of me down from time to time.

I've been the sheep that has left the flock. I've wondered off in the distance searching for pieces of me in a world that seems to hate me. I've lost my own battle, as a result I've created scars which no longer can be erased from my memory.

I've dug up my own cisterns, the ones that can not sustain water( Jeremiah 2:13). The cracked bottoms are reflection of the life I risk loosing to the pleasures of the world by going astray. Each time I try to patch up the wounds. I end up scratching the surface of my own rebellion.

I try to find the place where the water flows--the land of milk and honey.
Yet.
Yet the reflection of the water from the sun is tainted with opaque idols that reflect the canvas of my soul. The itching relief of freedom, is what my soul longs for. But the bondage of my thoughts  escapes through my anxiety.

You hold me up, when anxiety holds me down!
You make a way in the wilderness,when the lies of panic choke me up.

I relentlessly pursue after the one who can heal me. I'm at a place in my life where I can barely hear myself and the truth at the same time. The missing puzzles of my life cling to me.

  There's longing to knock out cultural norms and to be inexhaustibly human.
To be what I need to be.
a being.unkept. a work in progress.
In the midst, my mind finds the fault in the stained imprints of sin.
However, I believe the one who has freed me has set me free from it all. 

There will be days I will long to go back, 
but oh Lord remind me that my soul can only find rest in you alone.
Rest to break free from a condemned heart.
and an anxious soul! 
Rest from the lies of panic, that heeds to rebellion.
Rest to the truth: that you make all things new!

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? | Isaiah 43:18-19| 


for the sake of love, 

Flaming Whispers!

Apr 5, 2017

The flames of my words can burn sometimes.
I lose all focus.
The tension becomes too much.
So I speak without thinking.
A woman with many words. Sharpe with her tongue.
My conscious screams, BE PATIENT!
but my flaws has already been undone.
BE QUICK TO HEAR and slow to speak!
The INTAKE is better than the outtake --are the melodies that play silently in the mist of the chaos.
The whispers of my words are the silent cries from within.

I'm learning that flames of my words can hurt.
They can cut deep.
but my intentions are good .



for the sake of love, 
N




25th Birthday/My Proposal Vlog

Mar 29, 2017

Speak to Your Mountains

Feb 17, 2017



And Ruth the Moabitess said unto Naomi, Let me now go to the field, and glean ears of corn after him in whose sight I shall find grace. And she said unto her, Go, my daughter. (Ruth 2:2-KJV)

I found myself in the book of Ruth, a book that I’ve read quite a few times already. My mind was thinking, Why am I here again, I’ve already read this. I was led to chapter 2 verse 2 specifically. I couldn’t get it out of my mind the entire day. Only later did I realize that God kept emphasizing that Ruth boldly spoke that she would go into Boaz’s field, and she would find grace in his sight, and  Naomi encouraged her. Ruth didn’t question whether Boaz would accept her to enter his field. The King James Version, says Let me now go to the field, and glean ears of corn after him in whose sight I shall find graceShe boldly declared that she would find favour, and she went.
This reminds me why we ought to come boldly, with authority to the throne of grace, and speak that which we want to see fulfilled. Our words are spirit and life. When we find ourselves in particular seasons, face-to-face with challenges, our words should be that of victory spoken in the authority of Christ. It doesn’t help to build mountains that we will need to move again.
Moreover, as Ruth worked in the field, Boaz spotted her, inquired of her, and extended to her grace. He told her not to go glean in another field but to stay close to where the other women were; he extended a hedge of protection on her from the ardor of other men. Additionally, if she were in need of water, refreshment or rest, it was available to her (Ruth 2:3,8-9). That’s grace!
The lesson I take from this is that, wherever you are, and whatever you have been entrusted to do, speak life, speak victory, let the words of your mouth command the blessings of God so that God will grace you with those blessings as you are faithfully gleaning the field.  That thing that you want is right in front of you. Don’t do yourself a disservice by speaking words of doubt, destruction or death. Speak life and let God honour you; you may end up not having to work all fields, but only need to work one, and in that one, you will get a lot of perks you never thought possible.

Just as Jesus assured his disciples that if they have faith, and do not doubt, they can say to the mountain "be you cast into the sea" and it will be done (Matthew 21:21) you can speak to the mountains in your life, and see your circumstances change.

for the sake of love,
Chenai

Dealing With Sexual SIN!

Feb 2, 2017




I have a confession. I find myself anxiously wrestling with the thoughts of judgment from others. The things  they will say about me. The broken perception of my identity. In journeying with Christ, the truth of my heart and pleasurable deeds has exposed me many times. Frail in Spirit, sinful in body, however daily being renewed. I've struggled with affection to please my flesh—while still serving God. To the divine, who stands on the pulpit, I should be casted away and no longer included in the body of those who confess to be forgiven. After the self identification of my sin, I've realized how easy it is for them to judge, mock and diligently gossip. They pride themselves to be better than those who openly display their sin, but refuse to extend a hand in grace. Whispers of " I will never" have become the symphony orchestrated around their lives. However, they have forgotten to remove the log in their eye as they boastfully point out the speck in their neighbours | Matthew 7:5|. 

Seeds of Change

Jan 10, 2017

Glory awaits for those who seek for it. For those whose heart are in condition for change. Who receive the truth and allow the truth to penetrate in their lives. As I sit here and stare into space, my notebook candidly lays on my lap. The naked pages untouched. I think about all the things I want to do, should do and have to do. The dream of illuminating my goals cloud my head, directly blinding me from all the things I'm going through. The turbulence of my faith shakes me. It plasters itself between the neurons firing in my brain and in hindsight the image of the invisible God becomes what I fear to know.

In the glory of His presence. I question my very existence and the change I want to see in myself. I barely budge, as I lay in awe of His splendour. I'm shaken of what it exposes of me. How frail I am as a being. It saddens me to know that the change I want to be has raptured me to realize that I'm nothing short of human. Deception hugs me tightly and the journey awakens my soul. In a split second I see the image of tiny seeds gathered, being planted. 

A mirrored vision, of a farmer who, joyfully, gathers his seeds becomes what is known; he loosely carries the seeds and is carelessly swayed as the seeds fall along the path he walks on. The intense hunger of the birds unashamedly gathers the seeds of her frail faith and eats it up. The farmer continues to plant and her soul takes a liking to the soil, as it softens her heart, she becomes naive to the whispers of the enemy. Drenched in lies, the seeds of her heart viciously hits the shallow concrete of reality. It stunts her growth. The sun biologically rises but the lack of her root results in her slowly falling away and being destroyed.

The calamity of life gets the best of her, deceitful tongues manipulate her. The lies planted in her heart are hypocritical examples of love and worldly affection. Weakened to the echoes of the estranged, the voice of the GREAT one is faintly tuned out. Crippled by the judgement of others and the persecution of pain, she lays broken and unyoked. As the soil of her heart rejects the truth, it weeds to vain pursuits. Giving up, she blindly patches up her open wounds of vulnerability to the pleasures of the world.

As the farmer continued to plant, some of her seeds fall on good ground and heart become deeply rooted in the soil. She bears the fruit of life and the words received penetrate deeply within her. Rooted, her foundation unshaken, she continued to bear good fruit. In her understanding, the gardner prunes her and cuts off any branch that does not produce fruit. She becomes more fruitful as she relies on the vine, the tender whispers of His word remind her, "Remain in me and I will remain in you "| John 15:4|Good soil, produces many crops, however "no branch can bear fruit by itself, it must be deeply rooted in the vine " | John 15:4|. Her heart openly receives the truth, as she continues to use the words to bear fruit. In doing so, she grows and change becomes necessary.

In hindsight, I envied the seed that fought through it. She set all her goals to push through, not to give up. She allowed the word of God to be planted in her heart. She lured her mind to cut off the lies, the burdens and to destroy the pleasures, her flesh craved intensely for. I watched her go through the nights where tears rushed vigorously down her face and onto her pillow, but on those nights she silently whispered a prayer to the Lord of lords to help her get it right. She recited and memorized the eloquence of scripture "a righteous man falls seven times but I will rise again " | Proverbs 24: 16|. The power of the saviour redemption for her life reminded her not to give up. Change was necessary, growth was important, however,  if she lost the sense of her reality she would remain the same person--she refused to become. From time to time sin knocked on her door but daily grace whispered to her heart, I love you and forgive you, come back to me and be the change you earnestly long for.



The new year puts us in great spirits of setting fresh new goals. However, the Gospel of Jesus Christ is what will stimulate real change in our lives. I used the Parable of the Sower | Matthew 13:19-24|
and personified the seed(s), to give us a sense of the truth in which occurs when we fall and become slaves to the lies and the deceptions of the world. True change occurs when our hearts receive the word of God, and in spite of what comes our way, we allow the word to be the foundation in which we live. Life gets hard, things don't always go as planned. We set goals and sometimes, unfortunately, things occur and we are unable to complete them. I want this post to encourage you to set goals and make new year resolutions, but also to remind you that if things don't work out as you planned; you will diligently be the seed that fell on good soil, who received the word of God and pushed through regardless of what is going on. I prompt you to look to Christ, for in him the change we want to be are the seeds of his word that we plant in our hearts. 

Reminder: For his Glory, but for your Good!





for the sake of love,

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