Creating Space...

Jan 18, 2015

Sometimes I feel like I’m a burden, a burden to myself, my friends, to my family and to my future. I feel like deadweight and clutter just follows me around; Most of the time in my mind I’m running from all my insecurities, fears, doubt and my past mistakes. Just as the sun rises each morning and sets each day, these pop back into my head regardless of how many times I try to bury them.

As the year came to an end I thought about a lot of things. It’s funny, it is only when the year is slowly approaching or when we’re going into a new year that everything becomes a big ball of reflection.  So I sat in my “space” on the first day of January pondering my mistakes, my dreams, and mostly on ways that I could please the Lord. As I pondered on the year about to pass, the weight of my sins tugged on my heart more than ever and brought me to tears. Conviction and guilt flooded my soul causing my focus to shift. The initial plan of trying to make short-term/long-term goals to help me kick off the year had diminished, and my mind was drifting into the harsh realities of who I really was- a Christian girl struggling and trying to get it right. 

To be honest, it has been extremely difficult; my rebellious heart often gets the best of me. As I got further into my walk I drifted from the Lord, the fire that used to be in me slowly was dwindling and somehow I was starting to enjoy my sin more than usual. My failings in relation to my relationship with God added to my stress of trying to maintain my closeness with Him. It was a constant struggle to keep my mind from slipping into my daily fantasies/day dreams about how perfect my life should be, while still trying to excel in the areas I fell short in. I couldn’t keep up, I was slowly losing my touch and the arms around me couldn’t help. For a while I felt alone and going to the Lord didn’t feel like the right thing to do. “I’m too messy” and “He hates me” are the statements that I kept replaying in my head over and over again like a never-ending song. I would go on google for the sole reason of trying to find the formula to be the perfect Christian. That ultimately wasted my time because I found nothing but unrealistic rules and guidelines that were hard to follow. I felt like these standards were not authentic and that is what I was looking for… I just needed someone to stand out on the mountain top and scream, “I’m a wreck! I want to live for You Lord, but I need all the help I can get.”

I don’t know if it is just me, but for some reason I feel like people never really want to be real with their struggles as Christians. We are always trying to meet standards and be presentable so others do not call us out on our mess. What exactly are we trying to prove?! The world is not our burden and we don’t owe our friends and families anything but to admit our mistakes and make it clear that perfection wasn’t made for humans. It is only through God’s gracious hands that we are perfected. There is something about people getting down and dirty about their faults that stirs me up. It puts me in check and repositions my focus to reality. It reminds me that this is not a race and I am not the only one struggling. It would be so refreshing to say, “Damn girl you are going through that too? Man, I thought I was the only one! Can we pray for each other?” Can you imagine a conversation like that? Wow, there is so much freedom in knowing that we can help one another get through the bumps in the road. Anyway, the point I’m trying to get across is that as we settle into the new year do not let your mistakes, your sins and your messy life get into the way of making it right with God. Don’t succumb to the lies of sin and the snares of the devil. It’s not worth dying in your sin in this sinful world, it’s really not worth it .We are not perfect but we serve a perfect God who perfects us. Repent, turn it around, set a schedule, and create space to give Him your time in an effort to cast your burdens onto Him. Of course you are going to have your hicks, and your flesh is going to win sometimes but don’t give up. Keep praying, and keep reading your word because if you don’t try then you have already failed. So please try I am praying for you all.
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. (psalms 55:22)

For the sake of His Love,

SIDE NOTE * “My space” is the place I visit often, it’s a place I go to hide from the trash realities of the world and become one with my thoughts and God.*


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